October 18th, 2010

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How to Kiss Boys

Trolling the internet this morning, because, well, I could, I came across a site that has a page on "How to Get Boys to Kiss You." And because, if you take away the fancy college education and the well-paying job, I'm essentially a Judy Bloom character, I had to read it. Had to, you understand. 

This was the site's advice: dress "right," smile, and flirt. Don't be pushy or agressive, don't scare boys off.

Hmm, knew I was doing something wrong.  

Anyhow, for some reason, all of the examples revolved around how people kiss in the movies, careful to point out that if you're not following their advice, boys might kiss you out of pity or avoid you all together.

What the hell, people? Where was this site when I was 12? My whole life could have been different. I could have been kissing Johnny Depp-like boys in anachronistic 1950s movies. With tongue! It says so on the internet so it must be true. 

Perhaps its not too late. Maybe I should order the instructional video. Although, really, the fact that the site assures me it will arrive in a plain brown wrapper is almost more incriminating than if arrived with kiss marks all over the package.

Sigh, what's a girl to do? 

Anyhow, I found it extemely funny. There wasn't much advice on what dressing "right" meant, but I assume it's somewhere morally north of hooker. Cause I hear they don't kiss on the mouth. I mean, I get my knowledge from repeated viewings of Pretty Woman, so take that as you will. Which, given on all the examples on the site, seems on target.