June 29th, 2010

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No, I Still Don't Know What I'll Do, Let's Talk About Something Else

The question of what to do with my car still lingers. I'm going to let it do so for another hour until I have the courage to call the dealership and give them an answer. If there's one thing I know about myself it's that I have the remarkable ability to do unpleasant things. Just because I don't want to do them doesn't mean I can't or I won't. I can face just about anything head on.

Sometime I just have to psych myself up for it a little, that's all. Soon as I figure out that key ingredient this morning, I'm on it.

Okay, switching subjects. I was thinking about something bigger. I've known pretty much since I was kid exactly what I wanted to do with my life  - I want to write books. I know, shockingly, I did not want to be an office drone with an empty bank account. Considering I'm so good at it, you'd think that was the thing I'd been working for most of my life.

But, no, the thing I want is to write books. Lots of them. Lots of really, really good ones. I want them to sell well so that's all I have to do for work, and I can eventually buy my own house, travel some and help support my mom and dad since they've always taken such good care of me. I have loonier dreams too - making my birthday a national holiday and having a museum built to my astounding greatness and all that, but that's just because I'm delightfully quirky. No, what I really want is the whole working writer deal.

I'm not there yet, but I have to believe on my way. I know that I have talent, and it's just a matter of continuing to work hard. I'm putting in a great deal of work now, and it will, I know, eventually pay off.

Part of me wants to go back in time and give younger me a pep talk. I want to tell her that things will be harder than she expects. That despite a high degree of obvious personal awesomeness, the money will always run out, work will sometimes suck, some days she'll feel like she's hitting her head against a wall repeatedly. And I'll tell her that despite all of that, I'm not giving up and neither should she. I might tell her to be a little more prepared, of course, but that sometimes, shit just happens and the only thing to do when your back is to the wall is to step forward and deal with it. Be surprised by what you learn from the things you never thought you'd do.  Appreciate the good stuff, even when the bad stuff - like when car repairs that are way more than you expect - seem overwhelming.

Keep working. Stay positive as much as humanly possible. Make up your mind and call the damn car dealership.