December 8th, 2004

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My Geek Years

Last night I was in a serious fit of the giggles because I was watching "My Coolest Years" on VH1 and all these extremely minor celebrities were talking about their geek days. Oh, the hilarity. Oh, the slightly painful memories that brought up. Oh Wil Wheaton, how I love thee.

Actually I think talking about Wil Wheaton will transition me nicely into the next chapter of my autobiography: Chapter Two, "Queen Geek."

Travel back with me to 1990. Bush the First was President. New Kids on the Block were just beginning to fade into the shadows of McHammer's giant, puff pants, while David Hasslehoff was tearing up the music charts in Germany. And me, well, there aren't words to describe the spectre of me. Short, fat, coke bottle glasses in bright, fantastic red, and a haircut that only requires one description: tupperwear bowl. If there were a pageant for girl nerdyness, I totally would have brought home the crown. Maybe one of these days I'll start one.

Anyway, I was watching a lot of Star Trek back then. God only knows why. Actually, I do. I had a slightly massive crush on Wil Wheaton. What can I say, my obsession with skinny & geeky potential soulmates goes back a long, long time. Oh how I loved him. I think somewhere in my possessions I still might have his Wesley Crusher Star Trek trading card. It's a strong possibility. We're talking a crush to rival my Joey McIntire crush. Huge.

Junior High was not a good time to be a geek. Going to school was like taking my life into my hands. I had not yet discovered the joy that is skipping school. That would come later, when high school was just too much to bear. So I went every day. On that horrible bus where the eigth grade thugs were fighting in the back of the bus. God I hated the bus. With a passion.

I started my two years at Forest Grove Middle School ominiously. My sister asked all of her friends to hit me on the back of the head when they saw me in the halls. Funny now, mortifying then. If I could go back and see me walking through the halls like that, even I'd believe I should have been in special ed.

I had friends who didn't help my cause. They were just as bad. My best friend at the time had an obsession with old movies and she'd talk about them constantly. Also, she was one of those people that stood uncomfortably close to you, so every few seconds I was backing up and thus, forever bumping into someone or something. I'm clumsy enough without being pushed into crashing into some unsuspecting person.

And on top of that, I was so uncool I didn't even watch 90210.

So what did I find solice in? Well, Wil Wheaton. I can seriously say I used to day dream about being on episodes of Star Trek. I swear to God, I wouldn't make this stuff up. I had a whole senerio planned out where in which I was going to be a guest star that would get to make out with Wesley Crusher. What can I say, if you're going to dream, dream big. I wish it wasn't true. You know, somehow, I'm sure this painfully embarrassing admission all ties in with the incredible delusions of grandure I've harboured since the cradle. I think if I were a megalomaniac, I'd be in real trouble. Ill planned invasion of Russia trouble. Thankfully I'm content with imagining I'll win the Nobel prize and get to make-out with with geeky tv stars.

One of these days I'm going to have to resurrect a picture from those painful years. Those pictures are so incredibly terrible that just thinking about them makes me laugh.