March 11th, 2004

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Off to see the Wizard, and his name is Elvis...

Well, I leave today for my friend's wedding. It should be fun. Despite that I will be dressed like a 4-door sedan in the Latte colored dress, I am looking forward to Saturday's events. It's not my day, I'm not supposed to look pretty. I'm a bridesmaid.

In ancient Rome, the tradition of the bridal party was started to ward off evil spirits from the marrying couple. Ten couples would dress identically to the bride and groom. This way, if evil spirits showed up, they'd be confused and take the wrong couple into the underworld. I keep thinking about whether or not I'd be willing to spend eternity in the underworld for my friend. What happens if I have to spend the rest of existence in that dress? It has beading down the butt for goodness sakes. I'd never be able to sit. I've always figured on going to hell. That's not the problem.

The problem is, in my version of hell I'd get to be a kind of tour guide. Like Virgil in the Divine Comedy ... only with slapstick. I could see myself pointing out all the sights to the newbies: "Over to your left you'll see the souls of the gluttonous, and to your right you'll see our gift shop. Don't forget to pick up your 'I love Lucifer' T-shirts!" I'd make a great tour guide. I'm cute and I'm evil. IS there a better combination that that? I'm not sure I'd care to spend my afterlife in brown satin. I figured on spending eternity in a cute little number as befitting my station as a tour guide: a Jackie O.-like pencil skirt and a pill box hat that would show off the horns sprouting from my head. It's a vision people. And this weekend I'm about to risk it so my best friend can marry a computer nerd from New Jersey. I am such a good friend, it's frightening.

I am looking forward to seeing my friends this weekend. And I'm looking forward to seeing Elvis. There's an Elvis convention at the hotel where the reception is being held. How great is that! When I'm a tour guide in hell I'll be sure to point out Elvis. I'm sure he's been sentenced to spend eternity in one of those leather jumpsuits, with chubby old women throwing underwear at him.

Anyhow, off to see the Wizard...